Fred Hatman

Izimvo would like to introduce Howard Donaldson aka Fred Hatman.

Website: http://www.fredhatman.co.za
Twitter: http://twitter.com/fredhatman
Location: Durban

We normally like to give a brief introduction to all our interviews. Today’s interview is the exception. Nothing we attempt will be as elegant as Fred’s answers below. We have therefore selected to skip the introduction and allow the interview to speak for itself:

Personal

Q: The all important personal profile. How would a close friend introduce you at a social event? i.e. Name, age, company, interesting fact etc.

A: If that social event were tonight, it would be trans-South Africa unicyclist Geoff “Heartman” Brink and he’d say something like “this is Hatman, he looks about 72, behaves like he’s about 32, his actual age is exactly in the middle, he’s a lone blogger (http://www.fredhatman.co.za) operating 14 hours a day from his Umdloti verandah but he’s much better at acting like one of those New York publicity agents you see in the movies who are short, bald, fat and obnoxious and chomp a cigar while he’s schmoozing on behalf of our “Heart & Sole Tour”. Most interesting fact about him is that there’s nothing interesting about him at all!

Q: Tell us something that not many others know about you. This could be anything from a phobia to your favorite movie.

A: I’ll go for a really sad “nearly” story. I once nearly dated actress Rachel Weisz, who was a close friend of a Daily Telegraph colleague. After getting hot under the collar for weeks, while she finished shooting a movie, news was relayed to me that Keanu Reeves had (allegedly) swanned into London, swept her off her feet and flown her to New York! I ignored all her calls after that! No pork.

Q: What do you enjoy doing when you want to get away from it all?

A: I stalk Rachel Weisz. No. I walk The Scrapster and Doodlebug (my delinquent Jack Russells) on Umdloti beach. Bliss. The beach, not the “dogwalking”..

Blogging in South Africa

Q: Having recently joined the “blogosphere” in South Africa, how have you found it, coming from a traditional media background?

A: It’s been a massive “learning cliff”. Three months ago, I didn’t know what plug-ins, analytics and pingbacks were, let alone how they worked. Still don’t, to be honest. I love blogging. Absolutely chuffing love it. Wish blogging had been around 70 years ago when I was 22 and just starting out. I would have avoided all those endless newspaper strategy meetings and the agony of fighting with egotistical editors who don’t listen to anybody but their puppeteers and advertisers.

Q: Being “restrained” in traditional media, have you found that blogging allows one to be more expressive without the boundaries?

A: Totally. In the newspaper world, I was always being told “We can’t print that. You can’t write that about Mr Chuffing So-and-So. Ask our lawyer if you can write that. You must be off your head, Hatman!”. Now I write what I chuffing want. If I want to call Julius MalEnema a chuffing chop, I can. Except I can’t be bothered. Because Julius Malema acts as a perfect example to South Africa of how not to be. I applaud him for being the counterfoil and toolhead every country needs to keep it balanced.

Life in South Africa

Q: Have you or any of your immediate family been affected by crime? If yes, has it changed your perception of the country and the way you and your family live your lives?

A: Yes. I had my flat broken into and half my stuff stolen in London when I lived there. Also in London, three pimply-faced hoodies tried to mug me but they managed to escape without injury and, another time, I got chased through Leeds by Leeds United football hooligans after a Liverpool game and just made it into the train station before they caught me. Gollyness, I miss al the madness of the 80s.

In South Africa, not much. Five guys with knives tried to mug me in Durban at about 6am after my 50th birthday but they didn’t realise I was totally drunk and fearless and I (very loudly) threatened to shoot the bastards with an imaginary gun and they ran away. Unfortunately they were young and fit so I couldn’t catch up to smack them around the back of their heads.

If you change the way you live because of your perception of crime, then you stop living the life you deserve to live. South Africa is full of crime-affected people of every ethnic background who just get on with living in the most beautiful country on Earth. The others, I’m told, live in Perth… wherever that is.

Q: Having worked in the UK for a couple of years, do you think South Africa has the potential to become a world class country with regards to Technology and infrastructure?

A: Totally. I think we’re getting there. South Africa has a lot of seriously clever people coming through. We need to be patient. It’s early days for a country which is taking a little too long to believe in itself enough to get accustomed to being a democracy – and exactly what that means. It all start with educating the youth and that will take time.

Q: If you were South African president for just one day, what would you change?

A: I would take the thousands of needy orphans who have little or no opportunity and hook them up with the thousands of bored-out-of-their-minds grannies living in homes for the elderly and leave them to get on with it. Credit goes to Pieter-Dirk Uys for this brainwave. Evita 4 Prez!

Q: To which three attractions would you first take an international visitor?

A: If the international visitor were Robert Mugabe, I would take him to Durban beachfront for a nice ice-cream, stick it in his ear and then show him the inside of Westville Prison, where I believe they do a very good breakfast.

Seriously. No? OK. 1) The Drakensberg, 2) Any dusty no-horse village in the Karoo. 3) The Bush Tavern in Umdloti for a few beers while there are whales playing around in our sublime bit of the Indian Ocean.

Life in Durban

Q: We all know, from your blog, that your are the chief resident of the Bush Tavern in Umdloti, but where else would you recommend out-of-towners to visit for a night on the town?

A: Um, I’m not sure there is anywhere else. No, there are some really good restaurants such as Bel Punto, La Casa Nostra (the local Italian) and Beanbag Bahia. If the out-of-towner went by the name of Rachel Weisz, I would strongly suggest Hatman Mansions. We have an old score to settle.

Q: Durban has a couple of great theatres to watch stage productions. Which would you recommend?

A: I have to say that I think Durban’s obsession with “supper theatre” – you know, endless musical spoofs (or spoofy musicals?) of Abba, um, Abba, and, ahem, Abba – is very worrying. Same people doing the same crap and the local morning paper has been an interesting part of the feeding frenzy since time began.

So I would have to recommend the fund-raising show that the Barnyard at Gateway will be putting on to help raise funds to enable Geoff “Heartman” Brink and I to undertake the Heart & Sole Tour (Durban to Cape Town on a unicycle) to raise awareness of the Sole of Africa’s anti-landmines campaign. I think it’s going to be “Roll Over Beethoven” and the date has yet to be finalised. Goshness, I’m good at publicity, hey? Almost as good as The Mercury!

General

Q: If you had to win the Lotto on Saturday, what would be the first thing you would buy?

A: The Bush Palace, a double-storey wooden house high up on the hill overlooking the ocean in Umdloti. I’m moving “Hatman Mansions” into part of it this week… but, sadly, only on a short-term rental basis.

Q: Which player would you most like to see playing in Durban in next years World Cup, and which team would you like to see lift the trophy?

A: It’s a tie between Stevie G (England’s Steven Gerrard) and “El Nino” (Spain’s Fernando Torres). Anybody picking up on my Liverpool FC obsession? Since South Africa are pathetic under that chop of a coach, Joel Santana, and Scotland (the land of my fathers) haven’t made it, then it has to be England.

Q: One book that you would make required reading for all matric pupils?

A: The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle

Q: Favorite South African band? Have you seen them live and do you own at least one of their albums?

Q: I dig fairly obscure old-skool soul and nu-skool takes on it and also nu-jazz / electronica stuff so that excludes local bands. But I’ve just got back from Rocking the Daisies and JustJinger’s live and fully psychedelic version of Rodriguez’s Sugarman totally blew me away!

Q: Who would you most like to read about on Izimvo?

A: Rachel Weisz. OK. Not helpful. Um, how about Fred Roed of www.worldwidecreative.co.za and The Heavy Chefs Project?

Thank you Mr Fred, for a most entertaining interview. We wish you all the best with your blog and looking forward to reading about your wild adventures.